There is a deck of shuffled cards sitting on my desk. I will draw three, and they will tell me my future.

First card- the nine of clubs. Nine is the metaphysical number, metaphysics being emotions. Certainly that must be relevant, perhaps the clubs indicate that I am at war with my feelings. What utter shite.

Second card- the eight of clubs (not a very well shuffled deck, eh?) Eight is the Buddhist number of freedom. Again, the clubs must suggest that I need to free myself the emotions that I am at war with.

Third card- the seven of diamonds (9-8-7, suspicious?) Seven is the number that represents luck (either good or bad) and chance. Perhaps this means that I need to try my luck, a diamond is something beautiful that is not easily come upon. I guess maybe my fortune suggests that I should take a chance for something great.

Overall, the numbers have been counting down, which suggests that I am running out of time.

If you want me to interpret your fortune based on regular old playin' cards, I'll be happy to oblige. Unless the sight of you sickens me, in which case every card means bugger off to a secluded life of melon farming you pissant agitator.

(Sidenote: if it means anything to anyone, the next three cards were the three of diamonds, the queen of hearts and the king of spades... see, the deck was shuffled...)